Friends

I used to love hanging out with my friends. Elementary school, Junior High, High School, College are years filled with fun moments of riding bikes, watching movies, sharing pizza, and lots of time sitting in a den or park just sharing our hearts. How I love my friends.

In those same years, I can remember the feelings of insecurity, competitiveness, petty disagreements, and pretty small sighted values, including, the newest band, the clothes du jour, and the way to get around the tethers of our families.

Friends can meet a deep need to feel connected to another soul. There can be laughter, hope, encouragement, acceptance, and a sense of knowing and being known.

They can likewise, create a lowest common denominator experience, where fun withers into friction or worse, unfavorable foci's. Where group think removes conscience or at least lulls participants into homogeneous agreement to not make waves.


"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."  Proverbs 18:24


Though children find delight in the companion of many similar minded or aged peers, wisdom shows us, it can lead to their destruction.  The desire for companionship in life is great, loneliness acute when isolated, but the salve is not many children surrounding ours.  In life, our children will be best served when they find true friends, friends that stick close.


"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity" Proverbs 17:17


A brother, is a true friend.  He has been born into the world to be with his siblings in adversity.  He is there to push them through tough times, to help, to pick up them up when they fail.

There are few friends who can love at all times.  Many love us when we are associated with power, and can offer easy access to the inner circle.  Few are able to stay loyal when we loose our status, and are not able to give one the sense of being central to the hub of importance.  Whether power filled or powerless, our brother is there.


Many love us when we are wealthy, and proximity guarantees good food, expensive entertainment, and pricey gifts.  Few are able to sustain friendship when the money is gone, the food is plain, the toys are few.  There is little reward for their efforts, and comfort is not abounding.  In feast or in famine, our brother is there.


Many love us when we are beautiful, charming, winsome.  Our fine polished look reflects beauty on them.  Few are able to cosy up when we are overweight, shabbily dressed, out of dated in our adornments.  There is little left to help them feel connected to their vanities.  At our peak and in the ashes, our brother is there.


Many love us when we are exciting, adventuresome, new.  We offer easy fun.  When the shininess rubs off, or the high energy level activity is not sustained, few find reason to stick around.  In our youth, and in our old age, our brother is there.


Good friends, are hard to find.  Yet, wisdom instructs, good friends are only the ones who are brothers or act like brothers.  Sticking close, loyal, helpful in adversity, remembering us even when we move far away.


When my children first started showing deep needs for connection to one another, my temptation was to find other families, neighbors, schools, and place them in contexts to "find friends", but as I prayed and studied the Bible, and remembered my own experiences of friends, I realized two things:  Family are our first friends.  Friends outside of family are hard to find, true, and similar to brothers.


Family are God's way of giving us true friends.  A family that is Christ centered, seeking to serve one another, befriend one another, helping one another, forgiving one another, is in house friendship; created from the very beginning of time.


"Again, I saw vanity under the sun: one person who has no other, either son or brother..."  Ecclesiastes 4:7


Are you cultivated your children's first friendships, those in your homes?  Do they think of their siblings as their best friends?  Are you and your husband connecting with your children in such a way that when they become adults they will count you as their bestie, their closest BFF?  



Wisdom instructs us to be wary of those who love us for what temporary comfort we can give them, for we will be tossed aside when we can no longer offer it to them, or someone better comes along, and a deep discontentment will grow in our hearts.  Instead, the brothers in our lives, the sisters, the mothers, fathers, even cousins, who will love us without sway as to our popularity, cuteness, wealth, or offerings; these are the true friends we should be directing our children toward.  And we can do it, every day of our lives, every time we sit down to share a meal together, every evening as we read and pray, our friendship is growing and deepening, and becoming that beautiful friendship we all desire.

They are so few friends in life and their rarity causes them to be greatly cherished.  


Friends give good advice, push us to live rightly, and would never hurt us by flattery or charm:
"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses" Proverbs 27:6


Friends are those who are willing to be Christ like to us, not competing with us or hoping to gain our approval, but striving to serve us and to give up moments in time, money, and selfish interests to find our greater good.
"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."  John 15:13


My son often struggles with desires for things to go as he had planned them, so when his baby brother grabs his newly made Lego creation and crumbles it into many little pieces, his first thought is not friendship. I am able to remind him that he and his brother were designed by God to be friends, and how can he be a friend now to his little brother?  Usually, gushing follows, forgiveness, and then a quick desire to incorporate him into his play, in more appropriate ways.

My daughter finds herself wishing to be alone in her room, and when her nearest brother wants to follow, her response might be, "Mom, tell him to leave me alone".  


I remind her, "What is one of your primary missions on earth?"  And she remembers, she was made to befriend her brother.  Consideration is given, opportunities to play found, friendship made. 

Friendship, true friendship, is so needed in this life.  Life is hard enough, without friends, it is nearly impossible.


True friendship is cultivated over the many years we are in each other's presence in our homes.  It will return great reward when life's struggles come our way.  May each of your homes be spaces of beautiful sibling friendship developing.  And may your children find that instead of coming to ruin having too many trite companions, they have deep brother friends and like-a-brother friendships that will sustain them through this journey of life.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?  And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-11


May your heritage be a family of sacrificial loving friendship, with our Creator, and with your family members.  And on those rare occasions when another is willing to walk as a friend to one of our children: in hardship and plenty, giving honest answers, and helping when it is difficulty and costly, be sure to remind them what a precious gift that is. May each of your children experience friendship in their lives., brothers and like-a-brothers

Listen

What do you think is the most important thing for a new mom to have? A Target gift card, a Costco life time membership, the super nanny as your personal assistant?

Well that was the question burning in my mind as I brought home my first little bundle of joy.

I had just given up a good career to be a full time mommy, I was a new at this, worried about doing right…by God, by my husband, by my children

I had no family nearby, my husband was working by day, schooling in the evening, and studying late into the night.

I was staying home with a sense of conviction that God had called me to do so, but had no idea how to do it

Did I mention we had very little money, and I had few friends in a similar life stage.

What did I turn to? Well first, I determined to use the best product ever devised for each stage of baby development.  When that didn’t work out, I turned to Books (books on perfect parenting, the right technique for sleep, the perfect way to raise a child in Christ), blogs, groups (Christian groups, secular groups, groups that charged and groups that were free).

All the while, I fell into a state of anxiety, comparing my lot to those with easier ones. Mothers whose skills were far superior to mine, had mother in laws in town, money to hire babysitters, husbands home to help with dishes, themed bedding to match themed baby rooms (we didn’t even have an extra room for baby)…

And in desperation, I began to pray, to have a daily quiet time like my life depended on it, to begging the Lord to help me complete the good work of raising my children that I felt he had called me to do. 

God reminded me of this amazing missionary.  Perhaps you have heard of Mary Slessor?  She was this incredible tiny woman who at 27 and single, moved from Scotland to present day Nigeria and successfully led thousands of Africans to Christ, established churches and schools, rescued orphans, and did it all alone, deep in the interiors of a foreign land.  What was her key ingredient?  Well here it is, pause and see:

She spoke to God as though he existed,
listened for his answer,
and then did exactly as he instructed her.

There is a moment when she needs to build a shelter for herself, and she does not yet speak the local language, and there are no other Europeans to ask to help, so she says to God: “God, I need to you teach me how to build a house” and he did, he told her what kind of whitewash to use and how to combine it with local mud and rock and pretty soon she had a beautiful house that stood for years, home to her and her many adopted children.

…God was showing me how tangibly present he could be, if I would only trust him, lean on him… and him alone…

Isaiah in chapter 40:9-11, addressing the downcast people, says to them

“Here is your God!” See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,  and he rules with a mighty arm. See, his reward is with him and his recompense accompanies him.  He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

Did you catch that? 

He gently leads those who have young.

His desire is not to abandon you to your own strength, using you few resource to drum up a successful raising of your children.  He doesn’t wait for me to mess up and then grade me.  He isn’t hoping we will worry, fear, and fret our way through motherhood.

He is our shepherd, and we know his voice, and are tended by him.  He gathers us into his arms, he carries us close to his heart, and when we have little lambs, little children under our care, he gently, gently lead us.

So I began to look for God’s voice, to try to recognize it, and to follow his gentle leadership.  I trusted his heart that cares so much about my every little concern.  I prayed over how to cook a meal, an hour before meal time.  I prayed about how to shop, before I left the car in the parking lot.  I prayed for patience when my two colicky children hit hour 5 of non stop crying and I was all alone.  I listened for his voice, I looked for my shepherd, and I found his gentle hand…leading me, guiding me, giving me ideas on what to cook that night, helping me avoid poor purchases at the grocery, teaching me to sing hymns of hope and toil while my children suffered with discomfort.

And he is here for you too. come to him, let him be your counselor,  know his presence in each little moment of your day

I began to rest in God, I began to quietly trust him, not books, not blogs, not perfect parenting techniques, not beautifully made strollers, but him.  And so, it has become my daily mothering experience, and I hope you will find it to be yours as well, that as you cry for help, like it says in Isaiah 30:21
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Guardian

"Your guardian has to sign in for you", the colorfully dressed man explains to my children.

Anxious to get started on their "building and testing" at Legoland, they motion impatiently for me to catch up to them.  Baby in hand (big 2 year old baby) I arrive, breathless, excited to fulfill my role as "Guardian" of my children, so they can be safely ushered into the building room.

I rest a along a wall while my children hurriedly whip about the room finding the right pieces to construct their dream car;  I find myself reflecting.

Guardian, a word I have seen on many forms, signed many times as the official guardian of my children.  And with it, all the connotations of that word began to come to me.

Stand Guard.  Protect.  Watch Over.  Stand at Alert at the Gates. Guard Constantly. Care for.  Nurture.  Provide Care for a Minor who as such, is Not Yet Capable of Managing Themselves.

That is what a mother is, a guardian.  I am: one who protects, who stands at the gates, who remains alert, who manages my under 18 year old minor children who can not yet manage themselves.  That is what every mother is, a guardian.

So, why is it, so many mothers, are not guarding their minors, not protecting their children, not sitting at the gates and monitoring who comes in?  Don't they know it will leave their child exposed, unprotected, in harms way?

And who does come in?

Well, television and computers bring incredible images that stick with a child for a long time. Advertising in magazines and educational videos that cause a child to unnaturally crave superfluous items are a terrible force on our young.  And of course, we are afraid of perfect strangers, who pose less of a threat statistically, thank the Lord.

These obvious threats aside, what are we to protect our children against?  For what should we be on guard?

A friend posted an uplifting article on bullying.  In it, a perfectly adorable 7 year old is being bullied for using the wrong cup, the socially unacceptable cup. I know!  Don't get me started.

I was so irate on the triteness of peer social trends and the enormous energy a family must invest in caring about it, plus the permanent damage on a child's soul that occurs in most schools starting as young as preschool!!  However, my just anger alerted aside, there was an amazing anecdote in the story.  And it came in the form of a mother; an attentive, live giving, guardian of a mother.

She first noticed her daughter didn't want to carry her favorite cup to school anymore. Second, took the time out of her busy day to converse with her child concerning the changed cup.  And third, blogged and advocated at the school for her child's freedom to "express herself" aka carry an "unpopular" cup to school.  And yes, I see the wasted energy here, and yes, I home school to avoid the needless pain over silly fad following children and the endless pressure they exert toward every child conforming to arbitrary standards in large institutional settings.

So, yes, the freedom to think on your own and draw creative conclusions to life's issues aside.  I was very proud of the mama in this story.  And I hoped that more mothers would be like her.

We are not only to raise obedient children with manners.  They step into the world as young ladies and men.  We guard them in preparation for success with their sweet attitudes and respectful ways.  But we are also to make sure, that along the way of growing up as good citizens and academically challenged youth, there are not impediments to their natural and God given talents, uniqueness, and ways of being.

God has called them to be who they are, and intuitively, they know this.  When they step up to new challenges, they need encouragement and every-step-of-the-way opportunities, to gain independent competencies.  They do not need: teasing, discouragement, distraction about pointless peer obsessions, or bullying.

Are you a guardian of each of your children?  Are you watching at the gates that no one enters unheeded?  Are you guarding their very souls with encouraging words and deflecting the discouragement that often comes at the hands of peers?  Are you raising a child of character, and thus guarding them for their future success in business and relationships?

You can begin to do more so today.  Take a moment, sit with your child.  Do it again tomorrow.  Find the sore spots and the unprotected areas, and then, shore them up! The arrows of the enemy are strong, and only those strongly defended, by their guardians, can protect them against penetration!

Be God's expression of a guardian to your children: Psalm 12:5

"Because of the oppression of the weak and the groaning of the needy, I will now arise," says the LORD. "I will protect them from those who malign them." 

Sweets

We took the day off today.  Our regular schedule was put on hold, we lingered in our pjs, we rested.  I am finding it needed more and more in our school schedule, rigor is good, but rest in good too.  I love that I can declare it, any day, and we can do other things.

Other things this week meant making cookies for the neighbors, reading Christmas stories, playing board games, singing Christmas Carols, and all the while reflecting on the season of waiting, of receiving gifts, of giving love.

As I type, the children are playing a Christmas word puzzle, and murmuring to one another, giggling, and agreeing together as they map out solutions to their game.

Some days I am amazed at the fruit of following hard after Christ.

As a homemaker, I must clean and pick up daily, washing dishes until my hands dry up, my laundry pile is a constant mountain to be chipped away.  As a wife, my husband needs a listening ear, a sympathetic thought toward his hard day's work, a belief in all he is and is becoming, while taking care of his meals, clothes, children, and keeping the home a refuge.

As a mother, warmth must be found in my smile and hopeful heart, the children must be seen as gifts to be given great swaths of space in our lives, every night includes an hour of cuddles, question answering, and stories.  As the chief child trainer, every argument must be walked through, every meal must include many hands in the preparation, every bad attitude must be reoriented, sleep must be given, stable home life must be provided, kindness must be encouraged, each child's character must be molded.  As a home schooling mom, every day I wake to questions about the day's math problems and must search out a good poem to memorize, I must continue to pursue good things to add to their day, to find positive experiences, and God's goodness must be reflected in a day's lessons.

It is a lot of hard work, but it is all worth it.

On this day of quiet reflection and rest, of taking the day off, I see so much that God is doing in the mix.  The soft murmurs of my children as they peacefully play with one another, says it all.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Mind Matters

When a mild slope of depression threatened to submerge me into a state of low affect, I called out to God,  even as I didn't want to.  And he heard my prayer.

His sweet voice beckoned me back, with this simple word, "expectations".  I kept hearing it as I prayed quietly in my slippery state of sadness.  Here was God inviting me to see what he saw so clearly.  So, I bravely took a look.  What expectations?

Well, this little princess discovered, my expectations.  Boy, was I sheepish as I found a lot of them.

Apparently, moving closer to family, driving for every holiday or birthday, being in a home with trees and lush greenery, and having this here on earth, was an expectation of mine.  Even though my husband and I had eight years ago decided these dreams would not be mine, I hadn't really let them go.  Here they were drowning me.

So, when bright city lights beaconed through my home, when two am tow trucks woke me from my sleep, when family had to pay a small fortune just to spend a holiday with me, I grew bitter.  When the children asked for a tree to climb, when vacations included a beautiful setting that reminded me of my longing for a pretty home, and when my "family" became friends whose life turns had kept them from their relations, I grew sad.

But it was all in my mind.  It was all in my expectations.  Why had my expectations grown so exact and when was I going to let go of them?

Now, it turns out.  Thanksgiving week, actually.  I laid it all out on the table, with God, and my husband. As I prayed and conversed, the obvious became reality: I had to let God's reign rule in my mind.  I had to give up the thoughts I was letting rustle around in there, the expectations of having a comfortable little life near family and in the great outdoors.  I had to embrace realities that did not match my expectations, and call them good.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2


May your Advent season, the season of expectations, be filled, as mine has most recently, with the thoughts and mind of God.  May you find in it, rest for your weary souls and joy brightening your darkest nights.

schooling

As my little girl fastly approached her 3rd birthday, worries began to fill my heart.  It seemed all the good friends we had made with neighbors and at local parks were disappearing, into the abyss of Preschool.

They must be prepared, prepared for college, prepared to compete.

It is enough to cause one to long for another day, another time, when children could be children for oh so much longer. But, I did not want to be left out either. I did not want my sweet daughter to be left behind. So I began to research all things childhood, preschool, and how a person grows into an educated adult.

Here are some of the resources I found:

1. 0-6 years of age are in many ways the most important years in a person's life:

The agreed upon conclusion is that the earliest years in a child's life are the most important ones.  A child's cognitive, social, emotional, health, and nutritional abilities are most deeply established.  Language, culture, and religious values are incorporated into lifelong assumptions at this age.

Psychologically, if a warm caring environment with a consistent maternal caregiver present is available, a child will successfully establish security, identity, and purpose.  I loved reading about Dr. Erikson's discovery that in the years zero to six, a child needs a mother for attachment, cultural identity, and belief that the world is a trustworthy place.

Developmentally, if freedom to explore is in place, children will find themselves noticing relationships between people, objects, and themselves in the world as they individual begin to grow through childhood.  I loved learning how Piaget focused on the skills a child acquires as he or she is free to use his or her natural curiosities to discover cause and effect, comparison, and concrete thinking skills.  A mother can offer this freedom of exploration and movement as they are not required to meet a normative classroom standard, but can be driven by an inner motivation to learn and discover.

Moms are very important for a child's early development.

2. Working moms need childcare:

As moms left the home, so children had too as well.  The growth of the families income or the desire for the mother to experience independence from traditional home life, caused a significant growth in childcare.

Childcare was virtually non-existent before the 1920's.  Early childcare developed as wealthy women created safe places for poor, mostly recently immigrant children whose mother's worked.  As the 1960's women's movement increased home abandoment into the middle class, more spaces for young children to be housed were similarly developed.

But it wasn't until studies noted that children raised in impoverished non English speaking homes or in extremely poor ghettos and public housing complexes did not enter Kindergarden ready to read as did their middle class and upper class peers, did preschool really get it's "Head Start".

Head Start, and the idea of manditory preschool was developed to deal with a specific portion of the population, the extremely poor.  It hoped to create a space where children would be read to, spoken to, given nutrional meals, and offered other brain stimulating activities.  These things they were not recieving in their small apartments and dwellings where no adult or unattentive adults resided, whose understanding of childhood development was very low.

Before head start, the church and women in particular, had always cared for poor children, opting to bring the resources to the family's home.

3.  Preschool, offering a homelike environment:

Ironically, as I began to research my local preschools, the best ones with the longest waiting lists, proudly advertised the homelike environment of their preschool.  Again and again I would read about "cottages" "living rooms" "working kitchens" and "consistent female caregivers" as the way to offer a premier preschool experience in which a child might grow and mature.  Well, I knew of a cottage, with a living room, and a working kitchen, who already had a consistent female caregiver, and there was no waiting list.  It was my home, and me!

I read Marie Montessori's book on childhood's most important years, zero to six.  In it she discussed how children need:

-simple repetitive tasks to gain independence, tasks like buttoning a coat or washing one's own hands

-an ordered environment that the child knows well where all toys and developmental items (puzzles, blocks, paint, etc.) are placed

-an ability and freedom to take out toys at will, to put toys away for independence without the aid of an adult, and the freedom to return to a toy/developmental item again and again for gaining competencies

Again, I knew of a place where the child would have an ordered, consistent space and access to repeated engagement.  I knew of a place where a child's small tasks could be given them to do, including buttoning their own coats, washing their own hands, and helping make meals and clean.  It was free, and it was easy, it was my home!

4. Social skills and preschool:

Another oft quoted concern for parents was to have social skills develop in preschool.  Social skills do develop during these years.  They are key years to be near a positive role model to imitate, especially the mother and father.  Siblings or family friends offer a ready way to engage with others and test manners, sharing, caring, listening, and waiting for turns.  Neighbors and other adults in the community (church adults, grocery store clerks, librarians, mail carriers, delivery men, repair men, restaurant servers) serve as opportunities in how to interact, make eye contact, speak clearly, express oneself modestly yet confidently.  Play mates who visit the home and those whom we meet at the park, zoo, library, and botanical gardens, create opportunities to practice being nice, sharing, using your words, and listening to others.  If the mother is close by, she can redirect poor choices, repremaind selfish or harsh actions, and offer positive alternatives  for engaging others.

Studies have shown that  preschools that are top in it's field create amazing academic results and readiness for formal schooling.  However, children who are enrolled in preschool can also become more aggressive, more concerned with peer acceptance, and more wary of new situations.  (These findings diminish if the home is a neglectful one.)   Studies also indicate that preschool really helps those who do not have education as something important in their family values, but does not improve outcomes in families where education is already valued.

Many amazing mothers who work full time use all of their resources to find the best possible childcare options.  The incredible truth is that moms matter most in a child's life.  Even as they are at preschool, their mother is carried with them in their hearts.  Her intentional connection and responses to them when she is with them are the most important factors in a child's outcomes.

However, those of us who have the option to stay with our children through the preschool years, can also find ourselves preparing our children for success in their long term educational and development skills.  We can do it at home, we can do it well, and the outcomes can be as good and in many cases better for the child's overall well being and emotional development.

We converted our dining room into a free to roam, play, and develop room and made it accesible to the children any time they were awake.  And we stayed home a lot so the children could invest many hours in free play and exploration.

It became such a joy and privilege to continue home life into the preschool years.  It has been work, and yet, so much fun.

Luke 2:51
   Jesus went back to Nazareth with his parents and obeyed them. His mother kept on thinking about all that had happened

Input

When I first noticed my little baby girl needed more than to sleep and eat, it dawned on me that her non eating and non sleeping time must be filled with something.  I had no idea what that something should be.

What does God say about this?  Is there anything in his Word that would point me toward areas I could develop and steer my little daughter?  I found amazing answers; useful for planning my moments, days, and weeks with my children.

Here is the nugget I stumbled upon:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." -Philippians 4:8

Such a beautiful statement; I saw here the content that must fill our lives.

Out went the television.  Yes, we got rid of a brand new LCD television someone had given us. Years later, my mother bought us a television so she could watch her morning news while she stayed with us, but it remains in the attic for her, and now, is outdated with no digital capacity.

Out went the newspaper with it's forboding ponderings. Out went magazines, good ones and juicy ones (by this I mean my addiction to voyeuristic interest in famous people's lives, also known as "Celebrity Gossip" magazines).  Out went using the radio in the car.  I even cut myself down to checking email once a week.  No other internet access.

It silenced the house.  We woke to the sounds of neighbors heading off to work, wind rustling in the trees, dogs barking, birds chirping, and the children's pitter pattering little feet.  My mind was not immediately swept into someone else's world or someone else's worldview.  I sat in my own home and it became so very still, and peaceful.  I could hear again sounds I had long ago chosen to overwhelm with the distractions.  I could see again the beauty around me.

I started having my daily quiet time again.  Especially since there was not a lot else to do.  I read the Bible to my children.

So far, so good.

Now what?

Three amazing books started me in the right direction.

The Last Child in the Woods showed me how much outdoor time was missing in my children's lives.  We started eating twice a day outdoors.  It was a simple space, one shared with our duplex and rear duplex neighbors, but it had a tree, and a blanket made it such a nice respite.  I threw out plastic, battery operated, and non-creative toys.  We simplified life to sticks, balls, dolls, dirt, leaves, trees, blocks, and other open ended toys.

Endangered Minds  showed me how much it mattered that my children's early years (and majority of the rest of their lives) were spent engaging substance. I was encouraged to give my children early bedtimes, with lots of naps, and regular down time to process stimulating activities.  For this reason, we still live very simply regarding play dates, museums, sports, and enrichment activities.  We try to always allow plenty of prep time before any activity and plenty of down time afterwards. This book helped me get rid of my television. Still to this day, the children do not have video games, computer games/computer clubs, or television/movies in their lives.  The limitation of these things, helped me to have more free time with them outdoors, playing creatively indoors, and reading.

The Read Aloud Handbook was a life saver.  Now that I had gotten rid of all sorts of dumbing down devices, I need to know what to fill up that space in my children I had created.  Jim Trelease was a God send.  We went straight to the library once a week, got quality books, and read and read and read.  At one point, I was reading aloud three to four hours a day.  I still read aloud to my 9 and 8 year old, as well as my 4 and 2 year old. We read high level chapter books daily.

At breakfast, it is the Child's Story Bible or our church's daily Bible reading.  At lunch, I read a chapter book for an hour (we just finished Little Men by Louisa May Alcott), at nap/rest time I read three picture books to the little ones (my 4 year old is enchanted with knights and dragons, so we read books about the Knights of the Round Table and a picture book of Pilgrim's Progress, called The Dangerous Journey) and then an hour of another chapter book to the older children (we are currently in Emmy-Lou by Mrs. George Madden Martin).  During chores, we listen to librivox, an online audio recording of books in the public domain (we are currently listening to Elizabeth Prentiss' journal Stepping Heavenward, an amazing journey of a girl growing into a woman and trying to honor God at every step).  And then, before bed (currently we are reading through Thorton Burgess stories).

We read books, to fill the time.  We play outdoors, climbing trees and picking daisies.  We listen and watch the world around us.

Are there ways you can fill your mind with truth? Are there ways you can occupy your time with moments of excellence?  Are there areas you can surround yourself with places that are lovely?

It can be such a rich life.  And you can enjoy it with your children.

What's in a name...

As a mother, I have a unique space with my children, to create.  I can create meaning as I pause in our day to describe the beauty of a sunset.  When my boys grasp to be first,  I can define the moment where we seek to be servants; we can choose to be last.  As we talk about a fellow playmate's fascination with base jokes, I can give the children fodder for thought on how we can laugh around more lovely subjects.


Likewise, I can destroy.  I can take the hope out of the little voice asking to come see the cockroach he just killed with an ignoring response.  When my son pours milk in the cup, on the counter, and it begins to drip down to the floor, I can miss the opportunity to call him a helpful big brother with a testy reaction to the mess.  When my child needs me to be the authority in their lives, I can overly expose them to the whims of the world as I seek to be their peer.

I can create, and I can destroy.


(Bob Dylan song in my head here, yes I have spent many years with my children's music as my mainstay. Go ahead, listen to it as you read on :)



"Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field." -Genesis 2:19-20


I don't know about you, but I am fascinated by this incredible window into God's relationship with us.  At the very beginning of the world, even as Adam is still wiping the dust off from his emergence, low and behold, here is God bringing over a fluffy timid bunny, a mournfully squawking feathered peacock, a scaly iridescent beta fish.  


And what is God doing as he brings them to Adam,?  He is waiting.  You get a feeling He is expectantly waiting, with excitement, as he listens to Adam.  You can almost hear Him whispering, "What about this one, Adam, what do you think we should call him?"


And that was it.  The authority is apparent, it says, whatever Adam chose as a name, that would be it.  There are few moments as poignant as this one. God is sharing his gift of creation by giving his newly made man this creative privilege.


And He offers me the same.  And He offers you the same.  Somehow, in the profound mystery that is God's plan, we are co-creators in this world.  We are namers.


Look back over your day, over your week, over your children's young lives.  What are the names you have given them?  Are they: special, precious, my lovies, beautiful, handsome, amazing, beloved, good?


When they do something so very imperfect, when they get in the way of your well planned day, when they interrupt your oh so spiritual quiet time, how are you naming them?  Do you let slip: messy, annoying, clumsy, distracted, sensitive, slow, lazy, a problem?


What about the names they know you mean for them?  Is it little lamb or a kid?  Is it precious or dude?  Is it wise one or too smart for her own good?  Is it blessings or rugrats? Is it creating or is it destroying?


There are power in those words.  They carry with them authority.  They will stick.  As mothers, they are ours to give.  God lets us name.  And, I think, He is waiting, listening, excitedly.  Mary Robin, what do you think we should name this one?

Rain

Today, a sweet blanket of mist covered the mountains, softening hard edges.  It was as though God's grace had come to dwell a bit in the land.  The cool air indicated an end to the heat wave, where life felt overly prescribed and precise.

What could I do but respond to the children's pleas to go out into the rain to play.  What joy to hear the sweet pitter patter of the fresh cleansing rain broken occasionally by the hearty laughter of children splashing and running.

Few moments include the words cool, rain, and gentle in our weather.  Our four children will never again be this young, this able to see the simple happiness to be found in a rainy day.

God offers moments to each of us, every day.  They may not be for what we planned, they may not match all our expectations for the day, but they are there, free to receive.

We take it as grace, we live in this moment.  And by God's grace, this is all we need.

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with 
the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus." - 1 Timothy 1:14

Support

As I entered the adult world, I had been given all the tools to be a successful career woman.  I had gone to a rigorous college, been given a honors scholarship, enrolled in an exclusive honors program with one on one access to the top professors, done internships in my chosen area, completed a master's level of education, worked for years in the field, with great success.  I was very prepared for professional work.

Yet when this tiny little child took my heart away, it became apparent that nothing in this world I could do would compare with the impact I could have on this little life.

My father had always told me, "do the thing that no one else can do but you."  And it became apparent that no one else could be the mother to my baby and create a home life for my family other than me.  I was thrilled at the prospect.

However, I had not been groomed for this new role, I had not been handed the tools to take this role up seamlessly, and I needed help.  It came from some amazing places.

A dear friend, 7 years younger than me, showed up at the hospital with diapers and an outfit.  I had not even realized I would be needing these things.  But sure enough, they were the exact thing for that exact moment that were most imperative.  My daughter left the hospital dressed and dry.

I continued to follow this sweet woman into her home, getting together with her as often as she would have me.  She already had two children of her own, and her home was everything mine wasn't and mine needed to be.

T. let me in her home two or three times a week.  She always was cooking and cleaning, though she did not require that her house be perfect to let me in.  Far from it, she allowed me to see it messy, see the children in various stages of ready for the day, and watch as she negotiated breast feeding, meal prep, decorating, sewing, gardening, and child development activities.  Her home was a bustle of activity, and so very alive. I took copious notes, and still am imitating her well loved home.

Her home was alive; with her artistic and gentle heart at the middle of it.

From her, I learned to make a chicken, make salads with every meal, draw and sit with the children, create a home that is inspiring, have a garden of herbs, to breast feed, and to nap my children.  Yes, you heard it, nap.

At the time, I was still just letting my little daughter dictate when she wanted to sleep.  One day, as I was sitting with her in my arms, my dear friend T. noted, "You know, she will be a much less grumpy child if you lay her down for regular naps, BEFORE she starts to get sleepy".

Ahh, the years of peace in my home this one timely advice has given me and my family.  I asked her to write down a sleep/wake schedule, which she penciled on the back of an envelop from my purse.  I went home, tacked that little crumpled piece of paper to my wall, and began meticulously following it.

I have been a big advocate of regular naps ever since. And my children nap regularly and are grumpy no more, and all thanks to my friend T.

As I reflect on what has made me the mother I am today, I realize solid friends are at the core of much of my successes.

For the friendship to be a gleaning one, I must have a teachable spirit in me.  I must be willing to open up and allow kind individuals into my life who are one, two or even ten years ahead of me in motherhood.

And second, for it to be a grace filled one, the friend must be an unconditionally accepting one, willing to come over to my house, and have me in their home.  A person willing to give me their time, allow me access to them even in their imperfections.  One who can observe my life, give me tidbits of input, and be a great example of motherhood to me.

Where are you needing to open up your life to  another, so you can glean from them?

Where are you needing to pursue a friend who needs a good example and a grace filled friendship?

It will make all the difference in the world.

Oil and perfume make the heart glad,
         So a man's counsel is sweet to his friend. -Proverbs 27:9

Daily

Sometimes it is depressing, how poor of a cook I am.  I will plan a meal, and not get the right groceries, buy the groceries and let them go bad in the fridge, cut the veggies and then burn them, put the meat to the pan only to have it come out under cooked.  It is embarrassing, and true.  My dear family can recount  the meals through which they have suffered.

For starters, as I child, I was not given the opportunity to help prepare every dinner or shown how a meal magically makes it to the table (home or restaurant or take out).

A tragedy really, as people do need to eat: 3 times a day.  And I have lots of little people in my house who are counting on me to make that happen.

Another area where I really lacked skills, was in child rearing. I was in love with my little ones the moment they were handed to me, especially if you define love as protective; these babies were not going to get hurt or lack under my watch.

But the actual needs of the child were beyond me: the need to be changed when wet, bathed when dirty, teeth brushed twice a day, hair combed into beautiful plaits.  I soon discovered that when babies cry, they needed to be held, comforted, rocked.  As two of my four developed colic, it meant they need to be held constantly, continuously patted, always moved about.

Also imperative was the need to give boundaries. It was imperative for me to to follow up on those boundaries.  I could not let my child cross a boundary with out an immediate consequence.

If they whined, I had to tell them to cheerfully voice their request.  If they asked after being told no, I had to tell them no was not to be questioned.  If they hit, I had to hold the brandishing arm and shush the angry spirit.  If they were headed to the ground to thrash their bodies about in protest, my firm hand had to be there to guide their bodies upward and their faces to mine.  If they took without asking, I had to remind them no deed goes unnoticed.

It was enough to push a patient person to the brink, and I was not a patient person - by any stretch of the imagination.

I think if there had been any way around it, I would have gone there.  But there was no way around it.

We had no family in town to help, no cheerful mentor mom to pop over with guidance, no money to pay a babysitter, no extra income to hire help, and my husband was a full time student and a full time employee.  Yep, I was stuck with the job of feeding and raising the children; it was up to me.

So, like many a good woman of yore, I cried out to God.

"Oh, woe is me, Lord. [interject whiny voice here] I am a stranger in a strange land and these children need a mother but I am sorely poised for the task. [convincing Him this is not possible for me]  Show me the way out of this mess Lord [and here I show him the obvious solution], give me a friend, a mentor mom, or rain down the money so I can hire help.  Just have my husband come home and do it for me,[see, four easy steps] oh Lord, hear me now![notice the helpful biblical tone]"

Needless to say, God's was pretty much mute on the subject.  And it took me a few years to fully understand why.

As it turns out (and you, my dear reader, have already probably noted) I was asking God and man to do my work for me.  And though our Lord is the Lord of the Sabbath, he also made 6 days of work, and saw it as good.

There are different types of work.  I find the most important work is often not attached to a salary.

So, I had to get to work.  I had to get off my pity party to do it; and I had so enjoyed my little pity party.

Here I was, pressed with no choice but to avail.  I had to cook 3 healthy meals a day and these children had to be raised, and raised well.

It was then that God began to show me that every journey begins with a foot step, every plant starts as a seed, and that life could not be rushed into being.

So began my dailies.

I had to daily ask the Lord for help, then daily stand on my own two feet, then daily walk into the bathroom with cheer, while I daily brushed 4 sets of teeth and bathed 4 sets of bodies.  Next, I daily boiled a pot of water, while I daily added whole grain oatmeal, and then daily handed out bowls to be set at the table. I daily watched over behaviors and attitudes, as I daily read the Bible aloud, and daily help the children draw.  I  daily read a quality book aloud, then daily set the children up for puzzle time, while I daily sat and had my quiet time.

Though my rhythm varies during the week, and development changes in the children's capacities calls for adjustments, this has become the way I approach cooking and child rearing.  Surprisingly, it works.

It is a slow, disciplined way to bring about great, exciting results.

My patience has increased as I see life as a set of dailies.  My cooking has improved to the point that 3 out of 4 meals turn out edible!   My children have become quite enjoyable to one another and to me. And, I really like my work.  I wake up with something purposeful to put my hand to, that of improving my life and the lives of husband and children.

It has given me a sense of joy that my pity parties never did.

What are your dailies?  Where can you begin to work today?

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." Psalms 126:5

Imitators

Walking on the beach one day, it became apparent that no matter where I went, my daughter did as well.  When I ran toward the waves, giggling with delight, so did she.

When I walked slowly and talked of the beauty before us, she slowed down to experience it with me.  She never ran ahead, only waited to see where I would go, and then she walked confidently after me.

It struck me then, I had a little disciple on my hands, and she was following me without even thinking there might be another way.

It is hard to think ill of ourselves, in the deepest sense.


If you ask us, we might mention feeling too small for a big task or insignificant in the eyes of others or ashamed of our own shortcomings and sin.  But, if you were to catch us on an average day and investigate how we are moving forward, usually we are permissive with ourselves and have excuses for our negative thoughts, emotions, and actions.

God planned it well to give us these little imitators whose daily living tell the real story.

Little ducks, learn to walk, swim, and eat by following their mother everywhere and imitating her ways; so too our children are built to bond with their mother, follow her everywhere, and imitate her ways.  And this is the rub: our ways are not always as exemplary as they could be.

So what is a mother to do? 

We must become worthy of imitation.

We must find God, as Saint Augustine spoke, by seeking him within.

Evaluate values: are we concerned with the things of the soul or with outward signs of importance?  Revisit free time: are we occupying ourselves with things that build up or things that tear down; are we balancing rest and work, over working, or just zoning out through life? Look upon manner: are we gentle and hopeful of speech, or harsh and despairing, are we jovial or cynical, merry or mocking?  Think upon method: are we seeking always to serve or seeking to be served, do we ask ourselves “how can I help” or “who is here to help me”, do we deny ourselves or force our way? Do we live intentionally after God or do we only pretend to be after Him?

The areas of my life that were all about me, or allowable without children, were no longer going to be enough.  I was raising little ones to follow in my footsteps.

It is not enough to say I am sorry for my imperfections, but repentance must be firmly resolved as well.  It is not enough to pray for my sins to be gone, I must be willing to be humbled in my view of myself to truly eradicate them.  It is not enough to note what is wrong; I must be willing to change.

Sometimes I have to ask for for help, go to a trusted counselor, and walk through the problem areas in my life and hear how growth is possible.  Sometimes I have to be really honest with myself, how I am making excuses, thinking thoughts of self-centeredness, allowing emotional indulgences that lead to a sentimental life, or wishing for a life in which I am not willing to do the hard work.  And much of the time, when I have fully dedicated myself to Him, the grace of God fills up the holes without much effort from me.  This always amazes me, and leaves me so thankful for God’s mercy.

In what ways do you need to reevaluate your life?  What parts of yourself are you seeing reflected in your children’s poor attitudes and troubling tendencies?  Where might you need to center yourself on  Jesus ways and be so in your home and to your family? 

Know that there is grace, and even as you bravely confess the truths of your life, God rushes in.  He is a gentle guide toward all things good and right and true; his beauty can be yours also.  Know that as you imitate and walk in his ways, you bless your children with a mom who is worthy of imitation.

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.  And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” –Ephesians 5:1, 2