schooling

As my little girl fastly approached her 3rd birthday, worries began to fill my heart.  It seemed all the good friends we had made with neighbors and at local parks were disappearing, into the abyss of Preschool.

They must be prepared, prepared for college, prepared to compete.

It is enough to cause one to long for another day, another time, when children could be children for oh so much longer. But, I did not want to be left out either. I did not want my sweet daughter to be left behind. So I began to research all things childhood, preschool, and how a person grows into an educated adult.

Here are some of the resources I found:

1. 0-6 years of age are in many ways the most important years in a person's life:

The agreed upon conclusion is that the earliest years in a child's life are the most important ones.  A child's cognitive, social, emotional, health, and nutritional abilities are most deeply established.  Language, culture, and religious values are incorporated into lifelong assumptions at this age.

Psychologically, if a warm caring environment with a consistent maternal caregiver present is available, a child will successfully establish security, identity, and purpose.  I loved reading about Dr. Erikson's discovery that in the years zero to six, a child needs a mother for attachment, cultural identity, and belief that the world is a trustworthy place.

Developmentally, if freedom to explore is in place, children will find themselves noticing relationships between people, objects, and themselves in the world as they individual begin to grow through childhood.  I loved learning how Piaget focused on the skills a child acquires as he or she is free to use his or her natural curiosities to discover cause and effect, comparison, and concrete thinking skills.  A mother can offer this freedom of exploration and movement as they are not required to meet a normative classroom standard, but can be driven by an inner motivation to learn and discover.

Moms are very important for a child's early development.

2. Working moms need childcare:

As moms left the home, so children had too as well.  The growth of the families income or the desire for the mother to experience independence from traditional home life, caused a significant growth in childcare.

Childcare was virtually non-existent before the 1920's.  Early childcare developed as wealthy women created safe places for poor, mostly recently immigrant children whose mother's worked.  As the 1960's women's movement increased home abandoment into the middle class, more spaces for young children to be housed were similarly developed.

But it wasn't until studies noted that children raised in impoverished non English speaking homes or in extremely poor ghettos and public housing complexes did not enter Kindergarden ready to read as did their middle class and upper class peers, did preschool really get it's "Head Start".

Head Start, and the idea of manditory preschool was developed to deal with a specific portion of the population, the extremely poor.  It hoped to create a space where children would be read to, spoken to, given nutrional meals, and offered other brain stimulating activities.  These things they were not recieving in their small apartments and dwellings where no adult or unattentive adults resided, whose understanding of childhood development was very low.

Before head start, the church and women in particular, had always cared for poor children, opting to bring the resources to the family's home.

3.  Preschool, offering a homelike environment:

Ironically, as I began to research my local preschools, the best ones with the longest waiting lists, proudly advertised the homelike environment of their preschool.  Again and again I would read about "cottages" "living rooms" "working kitchens" and "consistent female caregivers" as the way to offer a premier preschool experience in which a child might grow and mature.  Well, I knew of a cottage, with a living room, and a working kitchen, who already had a consistent female caregiver, and there was no waiting list.  It was my home, and me!

I read Marie Montessori's book on childhood's most important years, zero to six.  In it she discussed how children need:

-simple repetitive tasks to gain independence, tasks like buttoning a coat or washing one's own hands

-an ordered environment that the child knows well where all toys and developmental items (puzzles, blocks, paint, etc.) are placed

-an ability and freedom to take out toys at will, to put toys away for independence without the aid of an adult, and the freedom to return to a toy/developmental item again and again for gaining competencies

Again, I knew of a place where the child would have an ordered, consistent space and access to repeated engagement.  I knew of a place where a child's small tasks could be given them to do, including buttoning their own coats, washing their own hands, and helping make meals and clean.  It was free, and it was easy, it was my home!

4. Social skills and preschool:

Another oft quoted concern for parents was to have social skills develop in preschool.  Social skills do develop during these years.  They are key years to be near a positive role model to imitate, especially the mother and father.  Siblings or family friends offer a ready way to engage with others and test manners, sharing, caring, listening, and waiting for turns.  Neighbors and other adults in the community (church adults, grocery store clerks, librarians, mail carriers, delivery men, repair men, restaurant servers) serve as opportunities in how to interact, make eye contact, speak clearly, express oneself modestly yet confidently.  Play mates who visit the home and those whom we meet at the park, zoo, library, and botanical gardens, create opportunities to practice being nice, sharing, using your words, and listening to others.  If the mother is close by, she can redirect poor choices, repremaind selfish or harsh actions, and offer positive alternatives  for engaging others.

Studies have shown that  preschools that are top in it's field create amazing academic results and readiness for formal schooling.  However, children who are enrolled in preschool can also become more aggressive, more concerned with peer acceptance, and more wary of new situations.  (These findings diminish if the home is a neglectful one.)   Studies also indicate that preschool really helps those who do not have education as something important in their family values, but does not improve outcomes in families where education is already valued.

Many amazing mothers who work full time use all of their resources to find the best possible childcare options.  The incredible truth is that moms matter most in a child's life.  Even as they are at preschool, their mother is carried with them in their hearts.  Her intentional connection and responses to them when she is with them are the most important factors in a child's outcomes.

However, those of us who have the option to stay with our children through the preschool years, can also find ourselves preparing our children for success in their long term educational and development skills.  We can do it at home, we can do it well, and the outcomes can be as good and in many cases better for the child's overall well being and emotional development.

We converted our dining room into a free to roam, play, and develop room and made it accesible to the children any time they were awake.  And we stayed home a lot so the children could invest many hours in free play and exploration.

It became such a joy and privilege to continue home life into the preschool years.  It has been work, and yet, so much fun.

Luke 2:51
   Jesus went back to Nazareth with his parents and obeyed them. His mother kept on thinking about all that had happened

Superheroes

My 4 year old is obsessed with superheroes right now.  He regular dons capes and climbs walls.  He leaps off of couches and flies to the ground.  He falls asleep with soaring sounds in his mouth and wakes up with stories of dreams where he accomplished the impossible.  He is my little hero, as he rushes to help put veggies in the pot, happily aids my washing of the floors, and by my side, cleans toilets.

Sometimes the cultural norms pervasive in our society, depress me.  A clorox adverstizement speaks emotively of relationships only to twist it into fear of germs, fear of contact, fear of relating.  A television comedy, causes chuckles, even laughter, while inundating parents with beliefs that they can never have deep connection with their teenagers, that the goals in life are to have our children dating and popular.  A reality show stacks the cast with sexually permissive but charming young adults.

Schools miss the mark on making children loved and accepted, fadish agendas sidle academic rigor, superficial trivia replaces deeply explored knowledge.

Worried they can not trust themselves, parents give their children away to those who are less invested, less connected.  Institutions instiutionalize, checking off boxes rather than co-participating in soul discovery of who the child was made to be.

The list goes on and on.  The tide of culture seems to overwhelm all efforts to do good, to be content, to live a simple life of love.  I feel the despair of how far we are from our purist call, from our primary objective, from being a culture that holds up what is true, what is good, what is beautiful in each individual and esteeming those things, from being parents who love and cherish instead of fear and conscript.

But then I remember my Superhero.

I remember, he doesn't just dream of doing the impossible, but he has already done it.  He doesn't just hope for super powers, he has them.

Jesus reminds me, "In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world." John 16:33 


Take heart, take heart...

If I stop just looking at the cultural norms as my barometer.  If I can let his power be my main source of comfort, of perspective, of hope; he can make me an agent of change in my little corner of the world.  He can give me little important tasks to do, little ways to stand against the tide of culture, simple ways of avoiding the pitfalls of this day's low slung standards.   If I make him my source, then He will save me, and he will use my little life to save others from obtrusive societal pitfalls.

Good news, good news.

My little boy's dreams mustn't be squelched.  I can smile at his antics.  When his feet touch the ground, I can look him in the eyes and say with assurance, "That's right, little man, God made you to be a superhero in this world, and this world needs you.  So, take heart.  The One with all the power, is the ultimate conquering hero, and through him, nothing will be impossible for you!"

What cultural assumptions are you invested in that are dragging you far from God's best?  What ways are you letting your beliefs and behaviors be lead by societal thinking?  How are norms in this world affecting your family lifestyle and the ways you mother?

Have you looked at the Conquering Superhero today and asked him for powers to counter them?  You can, right now, and then begin to discover again that you are a hero in this world too!

Input

When I first noticed my little baby girl needed more than to sleep and eat, it dawned on me that her non eating and non sleeping time must be filled with something.  I had no idea what that something should be.

What does God say about this?  Is there anything in his Word that would point me toward areas I could develop and steer my little daughter?  I found amazing answers; useful for planning my moments, days, and weeks with my children.

Here is the nugget I stumbled upon:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." -Philippians 4:8

Such a beautiful statement; I saw here the content that must fill our lives.

Out went the television.  Yes, we got rid of a brand new LCD television someone had given us. Years later, my mother bought us a television so she could watch her morning news while she stayed with us, but it remains in the attic for her, and now, is outdated with no digital capacity.

Out went the newspaper with it's forboding ponderings. Out went magazines, good ones and juicy ones (by this I mean my addiction to voyeuristic interest in famous people's lives, also known as "Celebrity Gossip" magazines).  Out went using the radio in the car.  I even cut myself down to checking email once a week.  No other internet access.

It silenced the house.  We woke to the sounds of neighbors heading off to work, wind rustling in the trees, dogs barking, birds chirping, and the children's pitter pattering little feet.  My mind was not immediately swept into someone else's world or someone else's worldview.  I sat in my own home and it became so very still, and peaceful.  I could hear again sounds I had long ago chosen to overwhelm with the distractions.  I could see again the beauty around me.

I started having my daily quiet time again.  Especially since there was not a lot else to do.  I read the Bible to my children.

So far, so good.

Now what?

Three amazing books started me in the right direction.

The Last Child in the Woods showed me how much outdoor time was missing in my children's lives.  We started eating twice a day outdoors.  It was a simple space, one shared with our duplex and rear duplex neighbors, but it had a tree, and a blanket made it such a nice respite.  I threw out plastic, battery operated, and non-creative toys.  We simplified life to sticks, balls, dolls, dirt, leaves, trees, blocks, and other open ended toys.

Endangered Minds  showed me how much it mattered that my children's early years (and majority of the rest of their lives) were spent engaging substance. I was encouraged to give my children early bedtimes, with lots of naps, and regular down time to process stimulating activities.  For this reason, we still live very simply regarding play dates, museums, sports, and enrichment activities.  We try to always allow plenty of prep time before any activity and plenty of down time afterwards. This book helped me get rid of my television. Still to this day, the children do not have video games, computer games/computer clubs, or television/movies in their lives.  The limitation of these things, helped me to have more free time with them outdoors, playing creatively indoors, and reading.

The Read Aloud Handbook was a life saver.  Now that I had gotten rid of all sorts of dumbing down devices, I need to know what to fill up that space in my children I had created.  Jim Trelease was a God send.  We went straight to the library once a week, got quality books, and read and read and read.  At one point, I was reading aloud three to four hours a day.  I still read aloud to my 9 and 8 year old, as well as my 4 and 2 year old. We read high level chapter books daily.

At breakfast, it is the Child's Story Bible or our church's daily Bible reading.  At lunch, I read a chapter book for an hour (we just finished Little Men by Louisa May Alcott), at nap/rest time I read three picture books to the little ones (my 4 year old is enchanted with knights and dragons, so we read books about the Knights of the Round Table and a picture book of Pilgrim's Progress, called The Dangerous Journey) and then an hour of another chapter book to the older children (we are currently in Emmy-Lou by Mrs. George Madden Martin).  During chores, we listen to librivox, an online audio recording of books in the public domain (we are currently listening to Elizabeth Prentiss' journal Stepping Heavenward, an amazing journey of a girl growing into a woman and trying to honor God at every step).  And then, before bed (currently we are reading through Thorton Burgess stories).

We read books, to fill the time.  We play outdoors, climbing trees and picking daisies.  We listen and watch the world around us.

Are there ways you can fill your mind with truth? Are there ways you can occupy your time with moments of excellence?  Are there areas you can surround yourself with places that are lovely?

It can be such a rich life.  And you can enjoy it with your children.

What's in a name...

As a mother, I have a unique space with my children, to create.  I can create meaning as I pause in our day to describe the beauty of a sunset.  When my boys grasp to be first,  I can define the moment where we seek to be servants; we can choose to be last.  As we talk about a fellow playmate's fascination with base jokes, I can give the children fodder for thought on how we can laugh around more lovely subjects.


Likewise, I can destroy.  I can take the hope out of the little voice asking to come see the cockroach he just killed with an ignoring response.  When my son pours milk in the cup, on the counter, and it begins to drip down to the floor, I can miss the opportunity to call him a helpful big brother with a testy reaction to the mess.  When my child needs me to be the authority in their lives, I can overly expose them to the whims of the world as I seek to be their peer.

I can create, and I can destroy.


(Bob Dylan song in my head here, yes I have spent many years with my children's music as my mainstay. Go ahead, listen to it as you read on :)



"Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field." -Genesis 2:19-20


I don't know about you, but I am fascinated by this incredible window into God's relationship with us.  At the very beginning of the world, even as Adam is still wiping the dust off from his emergence, low and behold, here is God bringing over a fluffy timid bunny, a mournfully squawking feathered peacock, a scaly iridescent beta fish.  


And what is God doing as he brings them to Adam,?  He is waiting.  You get a feeling He is expectantly waiting, with excitement, as he listens to Adam.  You can almost hear Him whispering, "What about this one, Adam, what do you think we should call him?"


And that was it.  The authority is apparent, it says, whatever Adam chose as a name, that would be it.  There are few moments as poignant as this one. God is sharing his gift of creation by giving his newly made man this creative privilege.


And He offers me the same.  And He offers you the same.  Somehow, in the profound mystery that is God's plan, we are co-creators in this world.  We are namers.


Look back over your day, over your week, over your children's young lives.  What are the names you have given them?  Are they: special, precious, my lovies, beautiful, handsome, amazing, beloved, good?


When they do something so very imperfect, when they get in the way of your well planned day, when they interrupt your oh so spiritual quiet time, how are you naming them?  Do you let slip: messy, annoying, clumsy, distracted, sensitive, slow, lazy, a problem?


What about the names they know you mean for them?  Is it little lamb or a kid?  Is it precious or dude?  Is it wise one or too smart for her own good?  Is it blessings or rugrats? Is it creating or is it destroying?


There are power in those words.  They carry with them authority.  They will stick.  As mothers, they are ours to give.  God lets us name.  And, I think, He is waiting, listening, excitedly.  Mary Robin, what do you think we should name this one?

Rain

Today, a sweet blanket of mist covered the mountains, softening hard edges.  It was as though God's grace had come to dwell a bit in the land.  The cool air indicated an end to the heat wave, where life felt overly prescribed and precise.

What could I do but respond to the children's pleas to go out into the rain to play.  What joy to hear the sweet pitter patter of the fresh cleansing rain broken occasionally by the hearty laughter of children splashing and running.

Few moments include the words cool, rain, and gentle in our weather.  Our four children will never again be this young, this able to see the simple happiness to be found in a rainy day.

God offers moments to each of us, every day.  They may not be for what we planned, they may not match all our expectations for the day, but they are there, free to receive.

We take it as grace, we live in this moment.  And by God's grace, this is all we need.

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with 
the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus." - 1 Timothy 1:14

Support

As I entered the adult world, I had been given all the tools to be a successful career woman.  I had gone to a rigorous college, been given a honors scholarship, enrolled in an exclusive honors program with one on one access to the top professors, done internships in my chosen area, completed a master's level of education, worked for years in the field, with great success.  I was very prepared for professional work.

Yet when this tiny little child took my heart away, it became apparent that nothing in this world I could do would compare with the impact I could have on this little life.

My father had always told me, "do the thing that no one else can do but you."  And it became apparent that no one else could be the mother to my baby and create a home life for my family other than me.  I was thrilled at the prospect.

However, I had not been groomed for this new role, I had not been handed the tools to take this role up seamlessly, and I needed help.  It came from some amazing places.

A dear friend, 7 years younger than me, showed up at the hospital with diapers and an outfit.  I had not even realized I would be needing these things.  But sure enough, they were the exact thing for that exact moment that were most imperative.  My daughter left the hospital dressed and dry.

I continued to follow this sweet woman into her home, getting together with her as often as she would have me.  She already had two children of her own, and her home was everything mine wasn't and mine needed to be.

T. let me in her home two or three times a week.  She always was cooking and cleaning, though she did not require that her house be perfect to let me in.  Far from it, she allowed me to see it messy, see the children in various stages of ready for the day, and watch as she negotiated breast feeding, meal prep, decorating, sewing, gardening, and child development activities.  Her home was a bustle of activity, and so very alive. I took copious notes, and still am imitating her well loved home.

Her home was alive; with her artistic and gentle heart at the middle of it.

From her, I learned to make a chicken, make salads with every meal, draw and sit with the children, create a home that is inspiring, have a garden of herbs, to breast feed, and to nap my children.  Yes, you heard it, nap.

At the time, I was still just letting my little daughter dictate when she wanted to sleep.  One day, as I was sitting with her in my arms, my dear friend T. noted, "You know, she will be a much less grumpy child if you lay her down for regular naps, BEFORE she starts to get sleepy".

Ahh, the years of peace in my home this one timely advice has given me and my family.  I asked her to write down a sleep/wake schedule, which she penciled on the back of an envelop from my purse.  I went home, tacked that little crumpled piece of paper to my wall, and began meticulously following it.

I have been a big advocate of regular naps ever since. And my children nap regularly and are grumpy no more, and all thanks to my friend T.

As I reflect on what has made me the mother I am today, I realize solid friends are at the core of much of my successes.

For the friendship to be a gleaning one, I must have a teachable spirit in me.  I must be willing to open up and allow kind individuals into my life who are one, two or even ten years ahead of me in motherhood.

And second, for it to be a grace filled one, the friend must be an unconditionally accepting one, willing to come over to my house, and have me in their home.  A person willing to give me their time, allow me access to them even in their imperfections.  One who can observe my life, give me tidbits of input, and be a great example of motherhood to me.

Where are you needing to open up your life to  another, so you can glean from them?

Where are you needing to pursue a friend who needs a good example and a grace filled friendship?

It will make all the difference in the world.

Oil and perfume make the heart glad,
         So a man's counsel is sweet to his friend. -Proverbs 27:9

Daily

Sometimes it is depressing, how poor of a cook I am.  I will plan a meal, and not get the right groceries, buy the groceries and let them go bad in the fridge, cut the veggies and then burn them, put the meat to the pan only to have it come out under cooked.  It is embarrassing, and true.  My dear family can recount  the meals through which they have suffered.

For starters, as I child, I was not given the opportunity to help prepare every dinner or shown how a meal magically makes it to the table (home or restaurant or take out).

A tragedy really, as people do need to eat: 3 times a day.  And I have lots of little people in my house who are counting on me to make that happen.

Another area where I really lacked skills, was in child rearing. I was in love with my little ones the moment they were handed to me, especially if you define love as protective; these babies were not going to get hurt or lack under my watch.

But the actual needs of the child were beyond me: the need to be changed when wet, bathed when dirty, teeth brushed twice a day, hair combed into beautiful plaits.  I soon discovered that when babies cry, they needed to be held, comforted, rocked.  As two of my four developed colic, it meant they need to be held constantly, continuously patted, always moved about.

Also imperative was the need to give boundaries. It was imperative for me to to follow up on those boundaries.  I could not let my child cross a boundary with out an immediate consequence.

If they whined, I had to tell them to cheerfully voice their request.  If they asked after being told no, I had to tell them no was not to be questioned.  If they hit, I had to hold the brandishing arm and shush the angry spirit.  If they were headed to the ground to thrash their bodies about in protest, my firm hand had to be there to guide their bodies upward and their faces to mine.  If they took without asking, I had to remind them no deed goes unnoticed.

It was enough to push a patient person to the brink, and I was not a patient person - by any stretch of the imagination.

I think if there had been any way around it, I would have gone there.  But there was no way around it.

We had no family in town to help, no cheerful mentor mom to pop over with guidance, no money to pay a babysitter, no extra income to hire help, and my husband was a full time student and a full time employee.  Yep, I was stuck with the job of feeding and raising the children; it was up to me.

So, like many a good woman of yore, I cried out to God.

"Oh, woe is me, Lord. [interject whiny voice here] I am a stranger in a strange land and these children need a mother but I am sorely poised for the task. [convincing Him this is not possible for me]  Show me the way out of this mess Lord [and here I show him the obvious solution], give me a friend, a mentor mom, or rain down the money so I can hire help.  Just have my husband come home and do it for me,[see, four easy steps] oh Lord, hear me now![notice the helpful biblical tone]"

Needless to say, God's was pretty much mute on the subject.  And it took me a few years to fully understand why.

As it turns out (and you, my dear reader, have already probably noted) I was asking God and man to do my work for me.  And though our Lord is the Lord of the Sabbath, he also made 6 days of work, and saw it as good.

There are different types of work.  I find the most important work is often not attached to a salary.

So, I had to get to work.  I had to get off my pity party to do it; and I had so enjoyed my little pity party.

Here I was, pressed with no choice but to avail.  I had to cook 3 healthy meals a day and these children had to be raised, and raised well.

It was then that God began to show me that every journey begins with a foot step, every plant starts as a seed, and that life could not be rushed into being.

So began my dailies.

I had to daily ask the Lord for help, then daily stand on my own two feet, then daily walk into the bathroom with cheer, while I daily brushed 4 sets of teeth and bathed 4 sets of bodies.  Next, I daily boiled a pot of water, while I daily added whole grain oatmeal, and then daily handed out bowls to be set at the table. I daily watched over behaviors and attitudes, as I daily read the Bible aloud, and daily help the children draw.  I  daily read a quality book aloud, then daily set the children up for puzzle time, while I daily sat and had my quiet time.

Though my rhythm varies during the week, and development changes in the children's capacities calls for adjustments, this has become the way I approach cooking and child rearing.  Surprisingly, it works.

It is a slow, disciplined way to bring about great, exciting results.

My patience has increased as I see life as a set of dailies.  My cooking has improved to the point that 3 out of 4 meals turn out edible!   My children have become quite enjoyable to one another and to me. And, I really like my work.  I wake up with something purposeful to put my hand to, that of improving my life and the lives of husband and children.

It has given me a sense of joy that my pity parties never did.

What are your dailies?  Where can you begin to work today?

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." Psalms 126:5